Letter to my Ex

It’s real easy to be pissed at you right now, but then I sit and think that you’re conditioned to be the way you are. Conditioned by the people who were supposed to love you, by the ones who loved you and turned on you, by enemies, by society and by the high security mental prison you’ve put your mind in. I tried so hard to free you of all of that. I tried to show you that you were better, that you could do better, that you could escape. But you just resented me for bringing you out of your comfort zone asking you for change and I’m not talking about pennies and nickels.

I went through a lot of shit for you. What that really should say is that I went through a lot of shit with you, but I said it right the first time. Because you weren’t with me going through the shit, you were the one putting me through it. And I made excuses for you because I knew you didn’t mean it, at least I thought you didn’t. I thought surely there’s no way you could intentionally want to cause me pain, but now I see that though it wasn’t your intention, you didn’t necessarily mind it as long as you “made up for it”. You’ve been the second or third to really take advantage of my emotions because you know my heart is my strongest muscle.

For most it’s their tongue, and yes mine is pretty strong too, but I always bit it for you; letting my heart do all the talking. You recognized this quickly and instead of tending to it and taking care of it, you abused it knowing that it would never let me stop letting you abuse it. I’ve blamed everyone but you for our demise, when really, I should have blamed you from the start, but I loved you too much from the minute I met you.

I often wonder why you don’t want better for yourself. Why you are content with the same ole same ole. And then I get angry at your lack of ambition (or shall I say legal ambition). You take what you can get and never expect more; to a degree it’s great to feel satisfaction but it’s dangerous when it handicaps you. This isn’t the best you’ll get. I tried to make you see that. But it seems my attempts were futile and just pissed you off making you feel you weren’t good enough.

I never said that. I never said you weren’t good enough. I said there’s room for more. I said you’re great but you can be greater as anyone could be if they truly believe it. You became paralyzed by your growing pains and allowed yourself to stunt your own growth. I only tried to give you water, nutrients and TLC. Because I saw what you could become. Doesn’t mean I think less of a caterpillar than a butterfly, if it survives long enough then it will soon grow to meet it’s purpose. At least that’s what I think of myself and I don’t think less of myself now than I will when I “make it”; whatever that entails.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, sorry I was who I was to you. I thought I was good for you and maybe I really was, but you never wanted to accept that whether you saw it or not. You want to stay where you are and who am I to think that you can be better. I won’t try to push you any further, you’ve made it clear that my support is worthless. My apologies.

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