Can I Try it Before I Buy it?

This goes out to all you jackasses guys who feel like you need to “test drive” before you “purchase”. This is not to suggest that women are items waiting to be purchased before usage, but rather a metaphor to emphasize the ridiculousness of the idea that one must “try it before I buy it” in regards to human beings. This only works when we are talking about inanimate objects.

“Why should I not be able to test it first? I mean the logic behind it makes sense right? I just wanna know what I’m getting myself into before committing like that, nah mean?” –I swear I could backhand every man I’ve ever heard say that.

Sure you can do that with cars, lotions and even some foods and it be perfectly fine, but I don’t recommend this policy on anything that has thoughts, emotions and opposable thumbs. And for a couple of reasons:

  1. I’m indispensable, unlike the above listed items
  2. Sex – Commitment = less of myself
  3. I will not hesitate to slap you silly

Once you tell me you need sex before committing I look at you like the person who walks around the store reading a magazine they’ve picked up. Maybe they’ll buy it or maybe they’ll get what they want from it and leave it. Either way, afterwards all $3.39 worth of that magazine has already been tampered with.

This brings me to my second point, if you don’t commit to this purchase you leave me [the magazine] to be picked up by some other individual, who may or may not want to “thumb through my pages” before purchase. After so many times those pages aren’t gonna be as crisp if you know what I mean.

Now sir, you have left me as damaged goods. Unwanted and still sitting on the rack, hell maybe even on clearance O_o !

I never want to be, let alone feel like, something you can “try” and potentially opt out of. There are no “30 day money-back guarantees”. And we definitely don’t do rentals here bruh…

Third point, self-explanatory. I’ve got a meannnn backhand 😉

Signed,

You-break-it-you-buy-it

And by “it” I mean the seal.

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