Perfect Timing

“Is there any such thing?

Considering there’s no such thing as “perfect”. I’m pretty sure there’s no such a thing as “perfect timing”.

Now, patience, is a virtue. And it’s something I wasn’t born with. Honest to God. I wish it were different butttt it’s not.

Time has never really been on my side, it’s been on crack actually. Thus and such I developed this screwed up arbitrary timeline of how and when things should happen.

I’ve been plagued with the mindset of black woman at least 7+ years older than myself.

So as a result…

I’ve always had a timeline for my life. Finish college by this age. Married by this age. Second degree by that age. First child by this age. And guess what folks…

That timeline is officially fucked.

And I have no idea what to do without it. I have control issues. I hate wasted time. And when moments aren’t planned or premeditated, everything feels out of order and I get overwhelmed.”

I started writing this post about 4 years ago, the scary thing is that 4 years later I still have a lot of the same fears. I will say that I’ve gotten a lot better at going with the flow, but don’t be mistaken, it wasn’t by choice.

I think there comes a point in your life where you realize that all things fall apart and the more you try to put it together. The more those pieces divide into smaller pieces that don’t fit into the ridges you think they should.

I’m convinced I’ve had a quarter of a life crisis at least twice -namely because I’m not where thought I should be right now. According to my original timeline, I’m a husband, a kid, a house and a degree behind.

We should all have goals for where we wanna make it in life, but when it handicaps you because you haven’t accomplished said goals -herein lies the problem. The real test is not in accomplishing goals for the sake of saying you accomplished a goal, it’s in finding a balance between contentment and ambition.

We should have a dream; protect it and nourish it but also enjoy the journey en route to it, rather than living in our own self generated nightmare. It’s fine to want more and want better, just make sure that you aren’t neglecting to be thankful for what you do have and what you have accomplished. We get pissed at people for not giving us credit for things we do but we are the biggest thieves of all when we steal our own spotlight to highlight where we lack instead of where we excel.

So with that being said, I’m Ashley; husbandless, kidless, houseless and second-degreeless (<-ok, that was a stretch) but I’m not dumb, homeless, loveless or lonely. I wrote this for anyone else out there whose timeline is not progressing the way they felt it should. Life is not linear. That point A to point B to point C stuff we learned in grade school only works in math. Life is a continuum of curves and the only rule of thumb is to make sure that you keep moving; even if sometimes it’s backwards and downwards.

You will miss experiencing the best parts of you if you’re caught up in the past or too focused on the future. Who you are and what you have presently will be forgotten only for you to look back years later and realize you never gave yourself the time of day. Que sera sera: it means whatever will be, will be. It’s okay to use a plan as a guide, but don’t let it become your crutch; because once it becomes the very thing that handicaps you, it’s no longer beneficial.

Replace “perfect timing” with “in due time”. It will happen as it should when it should.

-A.

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