I blame him.
Well, only because I don’t know who else’s fault it could be.
For every woman that has been raised fatherless, you’re probably just as
fucked up off-beat as I am. It does something to you, not having one does. You don’t always realize it when you’re younger. But as you get older and date more seriously, unless you’re able to completely suppress a missing parent, you think about it.
It always starts off as, “hmmm, who would walk me down the isle?” And that kind of trickles into “Wait, when was the last time I heard from that nigga?” Some will wonder “Oh, well damn is he still alive?” Others will hit the *KanyeShrug* and keep it moving. But sooner or later your mind wanders back to it.
You start asking yourself all these questions that you really can’t answer, but it makes you feel better to ask them. And sometimes answer them for your damn self, cuz it’s easier to deal with when you fill in the blanks.
Personally I don’t think about his absence often, really on just a few occasions, but boy do those occasions generally hold a lot of weight and have a lot of significance.
Generally, when I accomplish something big, i.e. High School Graduation, College Graduation; stuff like that I have that moment where I scan the crowd looking for something that’s always been lost.
Or umm, birthdays. Those really mess me up sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if he’ll call. If he forgot. If he knew but was afraid to call. If he even has my number; it hasn’t changed in five years. If he’s alive. That’s usually my thought process, in that order.
He doesn’t call by the way.
Then there’s break ups. Those are the times that I get ta snotting about that absent nigga. I don’t always blame him, but I definitely point the finger a couple times. I start feeling that if he’d been there like he was supposed to, I’d have a better method of weeding out bad seeds. But nooooooo, this little gardener here has to nurture and water every damn plant I think may turn out to be pretty.
I wonder, if at this point in my life, if he wanted to would I/could I try to salvage a relationship. I don’t know, honestly I’d probably try and that’s probably because of some complex I developed from not having his ass around. You know, where you keep putting your all into something that is dead hoping that you can bring it alive.
Wondering where this post came from? My birthday is in a few days. Been wondering if he’ll call. Probably not.
For those of you that have always wondered why I’m generally so angry [not that I really give a whole damn about explaining] maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to judge a book by it’s cover.