When the Whatevership Ends: How to Cope

Moving on after a break up is extremely hard, it’s even harder when the guy was never really yours to begin with. It almost feels like because you two were never “official” that you aren’t allowed to feel the pain of the separation. When whateverships go bad, a whole different can of worms is opened than the typical break up routine.

At least when you break up with someone who was actually in a committed relationship, you know that you tried and failed. Breaking off a whatevership feels like failing before you really even got a chance to see if it would work. Who in their right mind would be okay with pre-failure? After a break up, a woman can rationalize: he’s gonna miss me when I’m gone or he’s gonna realize what all he gave up. If you were never his, you don’t have this false sense of ego to comfort you once he’s gone. Hell, he can’t miss what he never really valued to have.

One of the darkest places your mind goes, is in those first few days/weeks after you break off a whatevership. Wondering if he’s thinking about you, wondering if he cares that you both have separated and having to accept that he just might not. After all, he never cared enough to commit to you, he could’ve had other people lined up around the corner to get next to him and now you’re just out of the way. At least with relationship break ups your ego can whisper to you: of course he misses you, you were his world.

I truly loathe how I feel after a whatevership ends. I’m usually hurt, confused, feeling abandoned and mad at myself all at the same time. More angry that I allowed myself to be in that position than anything else and the runner up emotion is usually feeling abandoned by someone who made it seem like they would stick around. I got real live daddy issues, so that shit fucks me up every time.

The real fucked up part is that, just like in relationships, they always come back to see how far they can get with the whatevership. Will she let me back in even after I tore her apart? Sometimes they genuinely want that old thing back, sometimes they just don’t have shit else to do, other times they just want to stroke their ego and know that if they wanted it back, they could have it. It’s disgusting, but it’s true and 9 times out of 10 he’s going to decide to do this fuck shit right when you’re about to move on or right when you’ve accepted it will never happen.

Do your self a favor, and don’t let curiosity kill the cat. If you give him an inch, undoubtedly he will take a mile whether he means it with ill intentions or not. It’s just their nature. Boys will be boys. Which is usually more destructive than positive. All you’ll end up doing is re-ignighting the flame you fought to put out, and end up with a wild fire that will burn all your shit down.

Creating and keeping distance from the person that hurt you isn’t always the easiest thing, but it’s healthier for you than letting your guard back down prematurely and allowing pirate ass knee grows to scavenge ya booty and then turn around and walk away from the relationship. Trust me. You better believe that you have a heart of gold and diamonds between ya thighs and that you are a treasure that you must protect, because if you don’t, some fool will walk away with you in tattered brown sack tossed carelessly over his shoulder while you wonder where and how you lost yourself.

I think one of the worst feelings for me is when I watched my whatevership turn into a relationship with someone else. Boy that shit stings like an aggravated hornets nest to the heart. It feels like having all the wind knocked out of ya chest while you lay on the ground in fetal position gasping for air. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the wind knocked out of you, but the shit feels like you’re dying and like you’ll never breathe again. The one thing you want more than ever, you can’t have. You can’t breathe.

I used to watch them with hateful tear filled eyes, wondering what I didn’t do right, why I wasn’t the one. What did this bum basic bitch have that I didn’t. (Because in case you didn’t know, the next bitch is never better than you. Sometimes she’s just a carbon copy, other times she’s a hot fucking mess… in this case I experienced both.) But the truth is, it isn’t about a comparison. And it never will be, and if you torment yourself thinking that it’s checkers and not realizing that it’s chess, you will drive yourself crazy.

The bitch ain’t you and never will be… but maybe that’s what the hell he needed. And you can’t feel guilt or shame or defeated that you weren’t what that person wanted or needed because you have no control over it. Sometimes you just gotta accept that no matter how bad you wanted to be, you’re just not the one. So how do you move past it? Stay tuned for posts to come…

-A.

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