If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that most people are creatures of habit. You get into a swing of doing things a certain way, at a certain time and anything outside of that doesn’t really cross your mind unless something unexpected comes up. Use caution when this comes to men and relationships.
One time, I knew this guy who had been in a relationship for a while then suddenly he and his girlfriend broke up. Me and him had always been cool on a platonic level until shortly after that break up happened.
We randomly exchanged numbers one day and then one text every so often turned into every other day, then grew into weekend visits and then blossomed into text, talking, FaceTime daily and weekly weekend visits. At that point the “fall back b!tch, danger, danger!” siren activated. And like a child I did it anyway.
If you don’t know, there is imminent danger in being the first person someone starts dealing with post break up. You run a lot of risks. The ex could circle back around and try to work things out. Your person could not have healed from that break up. You could be serving as a rebound to help that person get over their ex. Or worst case scenario, you could simply be a time filler; just occupying the space the ex has left after a long term relationship.
Now, back to these sirens. I heard them go off loud and clear, but unfortunately I’m also one of those people who have to touch the stove before I know that it’s hot. I said to hell with it, and took the risk.
“Risk it all”
It’s to no surprise that I ended up with my feelings hurt. I never understood how I could be so good at giving other people advice but never follow it myself. I am a hypocrite.
The worst thing is that all this happened right around cuffing season; the optimal time when everyone looks to have that special someone. The weather is colder, the nights are longer, holidays come rolling in every month; so if you weren’t thinking about how you didn’t have a significant other before, you’re definitely thinking about it now.
So back to said person, I would pep talk myself every time before I saw him:
Me to Me: Be cool, he probably isn’t even really looking for anything serious right now.
Also Me to Me: That’s yo man bish, you been single too long. Make him yours!
Reality set in for me right after Thanksgiving, I got in my feelings real heavy because by that point we had been dealing with each other for a few months. Normally when I’m talking to a guy I like, I’m in a relationship within like 3 weeks and this guy was like 3 months in saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you know that I’ve urged ladies to run far and run fast when a man says this because he usually genuinely means it.
But do I listen to myself, naw.
What made matters worse is that he was real relationshippy; real attentive, available, affectionate — all those things most women desire. I knew for him it was just out of habit of having been in a relationship for so long. He was used to all the things we were doing because he was just doing them with his ex. For him, this wasn’t an adjustment, it was the norm; just with a different body, my body. The problem is that for me it was an adjustment. I’d been single for 3 years, I wasn’t used to all these BAEnefits from one guy. Most women gotta keep quarter piece men to make a dolla– one who’s affectionate (25 cent), one who spoils her (25 cent), one who stimulates her (25 cent) and one who ain’t shit but will blow her back out (25 cent).
But that’s a topic for another day.
Needless to say my feelings developed and his were still like, you cool or whatnot. I remember one time I attempted to have the “what are we”/ “what are we doing conversation” and he hit me with the “I just got out of a relationship… I’m single” line. Which was 100% true. But hearing that after knowing how I felt, burned me to the core of my heart.
Even though I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I was pissed at him for not feeling differently, I was pissed at myself for getting in waist deep and I was mad at him all over again for being yet another man who ushered me to have a seat in a whatevership instead of offering me the commitment of a relationship.
Hell at that point I would’ve even been satisfied with just knowing we were working towards a relationship, even if it didn’t happen right away. I needed and wanted hope, hope that I wasn’t being toyed over by another guy who liked what I had to offer, but also wasn’t ready and/or willing to meet the requirements to have and keep it. He wanted so badly to not be considered a bad guy, and I wanted for him so badly to not be the same. Meh.
This is the problem, we usually get into whateverships without fully realizing that we’re getting into one. And by the time your in it, you either don’t want to get out in hopes of it turning into an actual relationship OR you’re in too deep to wanna/be able to get out. Leaving you to wade in the murky gray area of pre-relationship purgatory; where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Like I said, most people are creatures of habit. Valentines Day is coming up and what not; don’t make whatever mistake you made last year again.
*dodges cupid’s arrow*