When He Doesn’t Choose You

I think for every man there is at least one woman that has the power to make him wanna act right, the sucky thing is, when you find out that you are not that woman.

I have come to that realization at least 3 times now and I am tirrrrreeedddd of not being the one. This shit is emotionally exhausting. You meet a person, get to know them, like turns to love, you start giving all of yourself to them and next thing you know you’re out of the honeymoon phase and wondering why he/she won’t just get their shit together.

When you’re not the one, there’s always that thing, that thing that he/she either won’t do or won’t stop doing. The worst case scenario is when you get with someone, deal with their bullshit for a prolonged amount of time, they never seem to change and ya’ll separate… then you see THE SAME PERSON doing the things he/she wouldn’t do for you, for someone else. Oh that? That shit stings like a bitch.

Like the whole time we were together, I kept asking you to do little sweet shit, ya neva did. Now I go on Instagram and see you’ve posted ya new bae as ya Woman Crush Wednesday and have a fucking photo collage of the dinner you cooked for her, rose petals and a gift on the bed. Knee grow, fuck you and that hoe you wanna act right for. This is generally my natural reaction.

But the truth is, sometimes you just gotta accept that you are not and will never be that person to the individual that you want to feel that way about you. And it’s like self-infliction to keep pressing yourself and a person who doesn’t want to give that to you because in the end you only hurt yourself. And though it might be hard to accept, you have to realize that there will be a person out there for you who genuinely wants to make you happy and it isn’t like pulling teeth to get them to do it.

So where is all this coming from… well I just had a birthday and birthdays always cause me to reflect over the last year, my 5th year college reunion is coming up and I just accepted that I’m not the one for a guy I’ve been dating. Having this cocktail of memories and reflection is like inviting Marvin (Marvin = the personification of your emotions) to come have a seat right next to you and toast with a shot of tequila. It burns and it hurts like hell.

I was thinking about all the men that I’ve loved. One of them is married now, the other just celebrated the birthday of his second child, and the other, well never mind him, but the point that all of them have in common is that they’ve moved on. They’ve moved on and have either become or are trying to become the person I always wanted them to be… without me. I deserve a gold medal for being there with these guys while they were shooting in the gym (Shooting in the gym = trying to make it) and now they’ve gotten their rings and decided to share it with the next chick.

I’m tired of coaching and training these players only for them to trade teams. With the type of person that I am, if you can survive a relationship with me, you can survive anything. I know that I’m priceless, with all these diamonds I’ve made under my pressure. I have really analyzed why I never win in the end, I’ve considered lowering my intensity, softening myself, being more docile –but that honestly just doesn’t fit me. I am, and will always be a firecracker.

Half the stuff I write, I write like a letter to myself. If I were to give myself advice, I’d want me to know that sometimes you just aren’t his “one” and there is nothing you can do to change that. And if you try to coerce it, you will lose that power struggle. It will pain you to see when he finds the one he wants to be his best man for, but orange is not your color so do not, I repeat, do not act out. Someone will come along and make you forget about all the times you were not that other guy’s choice. That someone will be more for you than you ever could’ve imagined and you’ll be happy that all the other knuckle heads exited stage left out of your life. Do not be sad, sorry or stressed over things that are out of your control.

Oan, whoever I’m “the one” for, can you hurry the hell up? #pleaseandthankyou

-A.

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