I know. I know, I know, I know.
I’ve usually done nothing but talk about how much I can’t stand “Mr. Grey” — i.e. that fella that continuously keeps you in a gray area when it comes to a real relationship status. But, I have breaking news.
I get it, I get it. *Drizzy voice*
I realized randomly one day that I had became a guy’s Ms. Grey. Dealing with each other when it’s convenient for me, no real title, and getting pretty much whatever I wanted, when I wanted with the right persuasion and little effort.
I’m not proud of it. I also didn’t do anything to stop it. I’m a crook.
Now that I’ve stood in Mr. Grey’s shoes I see how having that much power over a person can make you feel invincible… because even if they get pissed at you and stop dealing with you for awhile, they’re so hungry for you that they’ll eat whatever bread crumb you feed them and just be happy you offered when you really did them no favor.
I looked this guy in the eyes and I could almost feel how much he just wanted me to love him, to want him… to need him, but I didn’t. I mean, I really liked him; if he died I’d be sad or whatever. I enjoyed spending time with him, hell maybe I even loved him but I had already made up in my mind that I didn’t want to be an “us/we”. I tried to make myself want him in that way because he was a good guy… but apparently the heart wants what the heart wants and this bitch is choosey.
The worse part about it is when I became aware of his feelings, I never just came out and said, “We will never be together” or “I don’t want you.” I couldn’t give him that closure because in a sick way I appreciated having a safety. An #ifallelsefails I know I can call Joe Schmoe and after a few heated words and some pillow talk, I could have things right back to the way I wanted. As crazy as it sounds, I really wanted him to let go, so I wouldn’t have to push him away. I wanted him to realize that I would never commit to him so he would stop putting us back together when it all fell apart. It became easy to watch him walk away or distance himself because I knew that in due time he would come back around.
I knew I hurt him, I was sorry about that. I also knew I had a hold on him, and as strong of a person as he was he couldn’t let go. –So I had to kill him to put us both out of our misery.
I kid I kid, lol. Just needed to lighten the mood.
I say all this to say, that this little role reversal gave me a look into Mr. Grey’s mind. If you have a Mr. or Ms. Grey, they will never give you closure –as badly as you may need it. They’ll probably never say what actually needs to be said. And at some point you’ll have to make peace with that. They don’t “need” you, if they did, they wouldn’t go a day without you. They may love you, but they are not in love with you. And they may want you, but they don’t want you in the way you should be wanted by your significant other. Stop waiting for the change of heart.
And to the guy who called me Ms. Grey, if you ever happen to read this, I am sorry. I hope one day you walk away and never look back. I never wanted to scar you and/or make you bitter. You deserve everything you’re asking for and more, I just hate I couldn’t be the one to want to give it to you. You will make somebody very happy one day and I’ll go ahead and apologize in advance if I call her bitch and/or talk shit about y’all’s relationship. That part of me is selfish. I didn’t want you to want anyone else but me really. I wanted you close and I wanted my space. And if some day you ever forgive me and you and your new woman are about to tie the knot. Don’t even think about being the bigger person and inviting me to the wedding cuz I’m petty. -xoxo