The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: Memories

I’m so pissed.

I keep having night terrors about the men I used to love and care about. It’s bad enough that when I’m awake I have to make myself forget what it felt like waking up next to him.

You never think you’ll miss someone’s funky hot morning breath until each of your mornings you have to wake up alone.

Every time I have one of these dreams, the man in them is taunting me. Whether it’s watching him be with some other woman or realizing that he’ll never be with me again. These Joes gotta come haunt me in my dreams because my conscious mind has put up barbed wire, guard dogs and a moat to keep from letting them back in.

Memories are one of the most vicious side effects of a bad break up. Believe it or not, I think the good memories hurt more than the bad ones. The bad ones make you angry, make you remember why you’re better off without that person anyway. The good ones, well the good ones will have you drowning your sorrows in half a bottle of wine, a bucket of ice cream and some fried chicken.

The good memories make you reminisce and long for what you used to have when things were good. That’s a dangerous place to go because it can put your heart in a trance and make you walk back into a toxic whatever ship/relationshit without even realizing that you have put yourself right back in harms way.

When I think about my past 2 relationships, they were a lot longer than they should’ve ever been, namely because  1. I kept meditating on when times were good and hoping it would get back that way and 2. because it felt too heavy to be alone, to miss their presence. It became easier to be mad at him while he was in the next room than it was to be sad about him and not knowing where he might be and who he might be with.

Now that I’m growing up, I’ve stopped letting 1. and 2. persuade me into dealing with that parasitic person again. Despite their desperate attempts to reconnect. And though my physical presence is strong, like Muhammed Ali, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee… my emotional strength is up against the ropes.

I believe periodically that women need to cry. They need to get it out in private so that it doesn’t come spilling out at the worst time like when people are around; especially if he is around. Even if you don’t feel like crying, if you haven’t done it in the last 3 months you need to make yourself do it before it builds up inside. Sometimes I think about hypothetical situations, watch tear jerking movies, get really upset that the ABC store is closed before I get off work –look, do what ya gotta do to get it out because it can eat you up inside. Some ladies are a little less emotionally invested, so for y’all crying semi-annually or annually may work best.

Anyways back to my dream, I woke up in such a bad mood. I just want to be free from all feelings I ever had for past flames… honestly I don’t think that the next one is going to come into my life until those feelings have completely dissipated. Hell how can he? There’s no mental or emotional space. Since college I’ve always used the next bae to get over the old bae and perhaps that has something to do with why all of these shits go up in flames and I’m still holding on getting 3rd degree burns.

If you too are a serial dater/relationshiper –cut it. If you too reminisce on the good times –cut it.

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2016 is the glow up. Ya can’t do that if you’re letting all this other mess hold you down. My thing to release bad energy is writing. With every post I get a little closer to who I want to be. How do y’all glow up? Drop the comments below!

Get scissor happy fam,

-A.

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