10 Tips for Better ‘D’ Game: Don’t get PEENalized

Fellas, this is how to bring your ‘A’ game to the ladies. Awhile ago I gave the ladies some tips on how to improve their box, I think it’s time I give you guys the same courtesy.

 

  1. Foreplay: Now granted some women can be ready at the drop of a dime to just go ham, most will appreciate a good warm up. You wouldn’t just jump in your car and take off in 20 degree weather (or at least you shouldn’t) get that baby warm. Also, never has any great athlete tried to perform a sport without getting the muscles warm. Same thing here big fella.
  2. Go down under: If you’re going to do it, do it right. If you’re uncertain on how to do this, start by spelling your name with your tongue, add a little sucking/rubbing (lord I hope my mama don’t read this). DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT BLOW IN THE VAGINA. She is not a ballon and that shit does not feel good. Also, the clit is attached so don’t try to suck it off like it’s the last drop of a Capri Sun.
  3. Performance: You must know when to smack it, rub it, choke, etc. etc. at the appropriate times. Ain’t nothing more scary than getting your feelings hurt during sex or any brief moment where you have to question if the dude really hates you or not. Also If you talk/ask questions during intercourse:
    1. Don’t say weird shit –self explanatory, if it’s not, chances are you’re saying weird shit and should just refrain from talking at all.
    2. Don’t ask questions you might not like the answer to or aren’t sure of the answer — i.e. The “who’s-is-it?” or “what’s-my-name” or “tell-me-how-much-you-like-it” dude. No bullshit, a guy asked me how much I liked it once and I was stumped. Like, how do you even answer that? I just said “a lot”. Like wtf is up with all these questions, can you freaking not? If I have something to say, I’ll say it without a prompt big fella.
    3. Male moaning. Well, ladies you let me know how y’all feel about that because I honestly don’t know if that’s a huge accomplishment or just strange.
  4. Endurance is vital: I’ve never met a woman that enjoyed a one minute man. I don’t care what you must focus your mind on in those first 60 seconds but you better thug it out for at least a solid five –> and five is really assuming that you have a freaking phD in producing orgasms. If you must go quickly, your foreplay must be imPECKable.
  5. Stroke is important: It’s like goldilocks and the 3 bears; it can’t be too short, it can’t be too long, it must be juusssssssttttt right.
  6. Variety: Missionary is cool… as a warm up. The real pros know when it’s time to flip it and reverse it AND CAN DO SO WITHOUT AN AWKWARD TRANSITION or without getting my leg trapped in some pretzel ass position.
  7. Strength: Let me tell you something, if you drop me, I will lose ALL respect for you for like ever. Lift bro.
  8. Ability to multitask: If you think sex is only about what you’re doing with the peen, you have already lost my friend. You’ve got 2 hands and a mouth as well, all of those things should be working together for the good of her orgasm. #Lordforgiveme She’s got a thing called hot spots, find them. They are your friend. Think of it like going on a treasure hunt, hell she’s giving you the booty. Ok Captain?
  9. Pace: Please, for the love of God, don’t thrust the entire time. No woman likes to feel like 2 rabbits humping. You need a healthy mixture of slow/fast, hard/ gentle, angles and position changes ALL BASED ON HER REACTION, which brings me to my next point.
  10. Learn how to read your woman: Some of you fellas have had girls fake it more than you can imagine, and you’ll never find out until you piss her off and she stops protecting your feelings. Facial expressions — oftentimes are genuine. Sound effects — you got a 50/50 chance you’re doing this right. Either way, if it’s the same chick, you should be able to tell the difference. Anything less than that just make sure you’re following guidelines 1-9 above.

The ladies got 10 so here’s 10 for you fellas. Ladies, if you need a refresher course, here ya go: 10 Tips for a Better Box. Comment your thoughts!

-A.

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