I wanted to do something crazy today.
Not like jump out the window, play in traffic crazy; but definitely something way out of character nonetheless. Something like, quit my job.
Why? Not because I don’t like my job, not because I’ve found something better, really not for any sane reason at all. Hence, completely out of character.
I just want to break a commitment sometimes.
I feel like I’ve spent my whole life being tied down to one thing or another or one person or another and do know, that I never mind it in the moment. It’s just when “shit happens” [because it usually does] I’m left looking at my life like “ok, now what?”
Now my job, I’ve committed to for another year. I’ve never been a risk taker, always played it safe. But I’m reallllll tempted to Y.O.L.O. [yes I just made that a verb] and go out there and see if something greater is waiting for me. I feel like I’ll never know as long as I’m settling for what I have.
Like I said, I have a great job
with crappy pay and little to no benefits but it’s not about the job, it’s about something much bigger than that. I’ve been playing by the rules all 23 years of my life and I feel like I’ve spent my Jordan year being more like a bench riding, no playtime having, second hand sorry excuse of a player.
I play by the rules all the time, and watch risk takers and rule breakers win all the
fucking freaking time. Including when it comes to being with me. [insert neck roll here]. I’m so sick of losing because I’m more afraid of the consequences of what might happen if I step out side the line, than the benefits of truly following my heart and going where I feel growth and satisfaction.
I turn 24 this Thursday and I really wouldn’t be surprised if I lost my damn mind that day. Another year of “doing what I’m supposed to”, being alive but not living. Piss on that.
Maybe I won’t quit my job, but I’m pretty certain that I’m having a quarter-life crisis or something. The problem is that I get these frequently, that means that I’m not doing something right, right?
I really don’t know. All I know is that “I’m jumping out the window with this one…” I’m tired. I get depressed about it often. And I’m sick of it. Only one that can change it is me.
Fuck fear, Y.O.L.O, Carpe Diem, and another other phrase that means go out and do something you’ve never done before without reservation.