I think that I have FINALLY gotten to a place where I can talk about one of my most trying times in 2015. To be honest, before I was entirely too embarrassed and felt way too vulnerable and defeated to share my struggle. But today I’ll be 100% transparent because my testimony might be something someone else needs to hear.
This was me from the end of July 2015 to December 2015…if you don’t understand this, then you’re probably too young to understand the true extent of my struggle:
I know all my 80s/90s babies feel me as we say in unison: “
Tommy Ashley, you ain’t got no job!”
That’s right. I spent half of my year last year unemployed. Working like 10 part time jobs to make ends meet. Yes, that’s also right, I had the nerve to go on VACATION to the Dominican Republic, with no place of employment and barely a pot to piss in. What people don’t know is how many times I seriously considered just not coming back or jumping on the pole. Damn these morals and values, I got bills.
I spent a great deal of my time wondering “how did I get here”/”where did I go wrong”/”how much do strippers get paid annually?” Browsing the Internet trying to figure out how much I could get for my eggs and creating sugar-baby accounts. I hope you’re chuckling, but I promise I’m being so honest, I was driving the struggle bus. And on top of everything, wait for it, I passed up a job making the most money I’d ever seen in my entire work life, and I passed it up with no real viable back up plan.
I can hear it now, if this was a tv show or movie I would be the equivalent to the dumb girl who runs up the stairs in a towel with no shoes on to get away from the killer or the ghetto girl that takes her baby daddy back after finding out he’s slept with two of her cousins and her grandma. –We all talk trash about these characters and I be damned if I didn’t seemingly become one.
For awhile I really regretted not taking that job, but as I reflect on it I know I made the right choice. I prayed about it, I cried about my situation, I started recruiting friends to rob banks like Set It Off ‘cept I was re-working everything they did wrong in the movie. I’ll tell you one thing, 6 months of unemployment will humble the f*ck out of you. It “builds character”. It was also probably the BIGGEST leap of faith I’ve ever taken in my whole entire life.
It took me entirely out of my comfort zone and away from everything I’ve ever known. But as scary and as menacing as the experience was, I learned things that I never would’ve seen or realized if I was still living within my comfort zone. True growth happens right outside of that comfort. Now it may sound all flowery and sh*t, but please believe me when I tell you those growing pains are no joke. I thought I was going crazy while I was waiting to see the light at the end of my tunnel, but true insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.
But look at me now. *cues Chris Brown* All gainfully employed and sh*t.
I chose faith that I would get something better tailored to my talents, I chose love (well that didn’t work out but Jesus still loves me so it’s all good), I chose a change because I was tired of having and hating my same situation on repeat just a different day.
If you’re at a crossroads where you’re left to choose between what you’re used to, what is normal, what is acceptable, what is safe OR choosing the option of the unknown… I hope that if you chose to stay where you’ve always been, that you’re truly happy remaining stagnant. <–I could probably say that more eloquently, but you get what I mean. I’ve really only scratched the surface here since this post is already kinda long, I’ll go more in detail at a later date.
Though I felt stripped of many of the things I was used to, I found something far more priceless; not sure what that thing may be for you but I hope you find it. I found purpose and passion and a vision and overall work ethic that I was out of touch from; sadly I also found different ways to answer the phone when bill collectors call, but that’s neither here nor there. Be fearless. Be bold. Be broke, heh heh, I meant adventurous.
Oan hit me up if you have any questions about stripping, selling eggs or sugar daddies; somebody should benefit from all this research I’ve done.
Werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk!