How to Avoid Wack D: (S)Expectations

If I had a set of magical powers or special abilities, one of those abilities as a female would be the power to take my sex back. Like have you ever did the nasty with someone and found out that it was a complete waste of your time and body count? Like the dude just didn’t live up to your (s)expectations? Like when a dude got you so excited to do the twisted tango but when the moment arrives you’d rather be watching paint dry. I still get irritated to this day when I think about the buns I’d revoke, I won’t say any names cuz one day when I’m really important, I don’t wanna be sued.

You know who you are.

Let me tell you how to spot weak peen (penis) so that I can spare you the trouble of wasting 2.3 minutes of your life. And the .3 is the removal of clothes and 1 minute of foreplay.

This post is solely regarding the peenability, not even really addressing the size — just like leggings and push up bras have given women curve enhancements… Them damn basketball shorts and gray sweats be creating allusions based on texture and color. Y’all think y’all slick, you ain’t.

Anyways, how to tell if his peen game is weak:

  1. He’s a ka… Nvm.
  2. All he talks about is sex and how he’d tear that a** up — He lying. He talk about it all the time because he ain’t getting it none of the time. This man’s imagination far exceeds what he’s ever done or will do sexually.
  3. He has no natural rhythm. –Whatever movie/person said if he can’t dance, he can’t f*ck was on to something because when doing the horizontal bop, a rhythm must be established and if he can’t get on beat it doesn’t quite flow. HOWEVER the rhythm-less ones, that KNOW they ain’t got rhythm can be trained. It’s the ones that think they got Chris Brown moves and are more like Carlton that are annoying af.
  4. He’s hasty. –These are the ones that don’t understand that foreplay is a must not an option; you wouldn’t just hop in yo car in 17 degree weather and drive off without warming it up, so WHAT makes you think you bout to hop in this p***y and go 0 to a-hunnit? 
  5. They don’t know how to be sensual at all; playboy, you may not kiss me all hard and bite, suck, lick my face and neck. I don’t know if you’re trying to turn me on or eat me –and not in a good way. 
  6. Also to those who think that rabbit humping is the equilvilant to “tearing it up”, can you f*cking not? Umm no, I don’t care how kinky the chick is, she don’t want no jack hammer to the backside every time y’all slap uglies.
  7. If his lips chapped. –Y’all think I’m being funny, but do NOT, I repeat do NOT waste yo mileage on a chapped lipped sap. If he don’t even care enough to moisten his own damn lips that are on his face, he is NOT gonna treat your coochie kingdom with the care it deserves.
  8. Thumbs. –I heard a rumor once… Nvm, all I’ll say is that I ain’t never met a man with little fingers and been like “My what nice peen you have”.  Correlation or nah?
  9. If he’s stiff or a stiff. –You need good chemistry to have great whoopie, and he can’t be stiff as a board with a board. That’s like riding a wall, who does that? 

Ok I’m done, I’m sure I have more I could add to the list, feel free to comment below with #signsthepeeniswack. It’s late, I’m sleepy. 

Beware of the good peen posers, they’re usually the loudest, the flashiest, the cockiest –meanwhile they should have several seats. *Snatches my sex out ya memory bank* I f*cked you, you ain’t f*ck me, bish you thought.

-A.

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