If you’d asked me when I was a teenager if I would end up being twenty-sexy, single AND childless I would have scoffed and rolled my eyes in that annoying way that teenagers do. Never. Ever. In a million years would I have thought that I would have made it this far without one of those attachments. Now, each year past 25 I find myself going through a quarter of a century life crisis. How did I get here?
Special shoutout to Disney and all of those teachers who thought it was a good idea to have this question as a writing prompt “where do you see yourself being in -x amount- of years?” Because of these influences, I grew up with an arbitrary timeline of the trajectory of my life and with a skewed view on what love would look like and feel like in a relationship. Thanks bitches. *emoji side eye*
Nothing really turned out the way I planned it and because I had the idea of how it should be for so long, everything less than that feels like a failure even if it is a success. I mean, in theory, I graduated high school AND college, started a career, got my own car & place to live –all without becoming a statistic and falling through the cracks. As a black female raised in a fatherless single parent home from a small town, that is a helluva accomplishment. Yet, on a yearly basis I reflect and feel disappointed that I’m not where I thought I’d be by now.
Now, I can deal with not having a kid yet because I never wanted to be a single or un-wed mother. I’ve passed the threshold of it being socially acceptable to have an “oopsie” baby; I’m too old and too knowledgeable for accidental pregnancies. I have access to every method of birth control possible so if I ever turn up pregnant, no one will pity me or give me a pass for having a baby daddy. So I’m steadfast in becoming a wife before I become a mother.
Which brings me to my next point. WHERE TF IS MY HUSBAND?!
I know patience is a virtue, it also happens to be something I wasn’t naturally born with. I work hard every day to increase my level of patience but at this present moment my frustration levels are at an all time high. I feel more ready for “the one” than I ever have before and yet he still has yet to be revealed to me.
I have went through jack ass, after ass hole, after jack ass and I have yet to find the one who’s rib I was made from.
I feel like a lot of women go down the checklist of “what is a good woman” and get pissed at the fact that they haven’t found a good man. Now what is and what isn’t a good man/woman is debatable but I consider myself to be a good woman because I love God, I cook, clean, have a great sense of humor, easy on the eyes, humble, personable, come equip with my own ambition AND understand compromise. I can’t say that my younger self had all this down pat, but grown and sexy Ashley has a Bachelor of Arts in it. <–And yes this was partially a shameless plug.
With all this being said, most men ask the follow up question: So why are you single? You must be crazy.
Yes. Yes, I am. Bat-shit crazy to be exact.
Like, what the hell? This has to be in my top 10 most hated things black guys say to black women. <—Yes there is a list.
Let’s first address that any woman can let her crazy show when wronged by a lover, that’s not a fair determinant. If this weren’t true then the legal system would not recognize “crimes of passion”. Secondly, though some women are born into their crazy, more times than not, one of youse fellas has pushed a woman over the edge. Lastly, let’s be honest, most black men like a woman with a little bit of crazy so don’t ‘eem try to act like that’s a major deterrent.
All jokes aside, I feel like I’m single because of timing. The short explanation is that either my husband isn’t ready for me or as ready as I feel, maybe I’m not ready for my husband. Every relationship/whatevership I’ve ever been in, the timing has been off. Whether he was too immature for what I had to offer, or I still needed to learn a couple lessons, or one of us had just stopped dealing with someone else, or one of us was still married and didn’t tell the other… *side eye* *side eye* *side eye*
The biggest lesson that I’ve learned in my 20s thus far is that life isn’t linear and that you have to learn to be flexible and adapt because life is constantly gonna throw you the fastest curveballs possible. If you hold on too tight to the ideal way things should go, you’re sure to get lost in the reality of things…and be depressed 99.9% of the time. Reflect and pray.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Signing out for the weekend, Twenty-Sexy, Single, & Still Searching