Goldilocks and the 3 Baes

Sooooo, this post is probably gonna make me lose all my hoes but oh well.

In this dating phase I feel like Goldilocks and the 3 bears. I am Goldilocks of course and the bears = baes. I’ve been wandering through the thickets of the dating forest for awhile so I decided to stop by the Bae(s) house and I found that:

This first porridge was too disloyal.

The second porridge was too emotionally constipated.

The third porridge was too inconsistent.

And so on and so forth, I still haven’t found a porridge to my liking and I’m so damn tired of scalding my tongue tasting the wrong one. Goldilocks had it made if she only had to be disappointed twice before finding what she really wanted.

Dating exhausts me. Like it literally tires me out. You go through the same standard questions with dead end after dead end. I really just want to give guys a 1 page “about me” and tell’em to let me know by close of business if they’re still interested. The older I get, the less patience I have to keep wandering, I’m muh-fuggin’ tied.

I wish we had barcodes like cars have VIN numbers that would tell you the person’s dating history. That way you could know if you’re about to buy a lemon by going out with that person. You’d be able to see how many times he/she cheated, how many real relationships they’ve actually had, and all without having to sit through hours of get-to-know you convo where they’re probably lying/ omitting the whole truth anyway.

When I was little and I used to watch people dating on TV; I thought this part would be so dope. Going out and trying new places, new things; this was supposed to be fun. Somehow, my generation lost that magic. Now you gotta do longer background checks on people out before you even think about dating them:

  1. For those of us who care what our (potential) future babies look like — said person must first be physically attractive.
  2. In this era, it’s a lot more common to meet people through social media — so for a person you’ve never met before, you’ve got to determine if they are a creeper, catfish or weird.
  3. You gotta check that person’s intentions –this instantly disqualifies ANY guy who’s initial date idea is “chill”.

So let’s say possiBAE passes the pre-screen:

  • The quickest way to make me be over you before I even get to know you is if you hit me with the — so where/what do you wanna do? BRUH. Tell me a time and a place and let’s go ahead and link up. You can NEVER go wrong with feeding a woman, never. Here, creativity is nice, but not required. Especially if you don’t know me from a hole in the wall. If you make it to date two, now you can step your game up because you know me a little.
  • All the get-to-know you questions are the same with every person — at this point I’ve had this conversation so many different times that they all run together.
  • And please sweet baby Jesus be able to hold a decent conversation — some people are great at texting, but when you sit across the table from them it’s like watching paint dry. Absolutely no chemistry.

Now the dinner is over and there’s this awkward, so what do we do now, feeling. Hug? Kiss goodbye? Set up another date? Side-note — growing up, I thought a couple’s first kiss was a magical moment that one would never forget. F*ck Disney B.

One time this guy kissed me before I gave him the green light to do it, and I got so pissed. So knee grows just out here stealing kisses huh? Never again my friend, never again.

Also, the dating scene in Charlotte is so small. It ain’t but *snaps fingers* this big. I’ve had one to many “same girl/guy” Usher moments for my liking. [That’s a story for another day…]

I say all this to say, when I find the porridge that is juuussssttt right, Goldilocks is getting brand new. *Fades to black with Bae*

-A.

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