So let me tell you about the f*ckery that was one of my Fridays. I just feel the need to share the course of events that day because it was such a debacle, truly an “FML” (f*ck my life) moment. If you know me, then you know I have a lot of those but that Friday takes the cake.
It all started with that Thursday night, I had decided to go out with a couple of friends to enjoy a social event (AA5). I told myself I was only going to have a couple of glasses of wine… that somehow multiplied into 2 bottles. <– The beginning of my demise. After the event was over, everyone decided that they wanted to continue the turn up, I didn’t drive so now I am trapped in the turn up. Ok. fine; I’m a passenger, I’ll make the best of it.
The rest is a whirlwind.
We manage to finagle our way into the VIP section of a club where there was a sugar daddy who bought us all rounds of shots. In my drunken mind, I was all like ” He got moneeeyyyy.” Because he wasn’t just showing special attention to 1 or 2 girls, we were at least 6 or 7 deep and he was buying ALL of us shots. I remember thinking briefly “When I put this into my calorie counter, it’s going to go ape shit.” But that moment passed the drunker I got. Before I knew it I was twerking on this damn near senior citizen and had created this false identity that I was no longer Ashley, but a seasoned stripper named Tootsie. I had 100% escaped from reality.
Where the hell were my friends? And whhyyyyy didn’t they save me from Grandpa?
Anyway, I manage to make it home, where I blackout. #pause I can generally handle my liquor, but that night makes like the 3rd time in 25 years of life that I’ve completely blacked out. Well, I woke up the next morning like I was in the movie The Hangover. Questions flooded my mind: “Where are my clothes? When did I tie my hair up? Where are my contacts? What time is it? Wait, what day is it? F*ck.”
I walk into the bathroom to get myself together and step in something wet, I say “Damn I must’ve spilled something last night”. Not even looking down at the floor, I continue to put the pieces of the puzzle of my life together. Somehow in my drunken stupor I managed to strip all my clothes off, take out my contacts, tie my hair up and put myself in bed. I was thoroughly impressed. Then I get a text from a co-worker. “Can you meet with the <insert pseudo boss here> at 9 am?”
I almost had a heart attack. I just knew I was in trouble. Now I have to make sure I’m presentable by 9, mind you, alcohol is still seeping out of my pores and I feel like crap. It’s about this time that I step back into the puddle. This time I look down. I found about a bottle’s worth of that wine I’d drank last night. I’m instantly disgusted and throw EVERYTHING in the bathroom into the washing machine.
I make it to work, have the meeting with the <pseudo boss> and go back to my office where I have decided I’ll take a catnap. The only thing I’ve “eaten” this morning is gatorade, trying to replenish my electrolytes. No sooner than I lay my head down I have the sudden urge to go to the bathroom. I have to quietly and calmly skirt past a room full of people to get to the bathroom and once I get there –there goes my gatorade.
In my mind, I was dying slowly at work and no one knew it. Never mind the drum solo going on inside my head. Again I attempted a catnap before I had to be in front of an audience for a group meeting that I’d previously planned. Fast forward to the meeting, I go to the location and 15 minutes prior to the event, nothing is set up. FML.
So now I have to bootleg the presentation. Minor win. THEN a stupid stupid-head comes to disrupt my presentation in which case I go to chase him away and BREAK MY FREAKING SANDAL. Not just any sandal either, my FAVORITE pair. My only saving grace is that no one else noticed that I’d broke it. So from that point on I had to kinda drag my foot along the floor to keep my sandal from flopping off.
What a sucky ass Friday. Fast forward to the following Monday. Running behind in leaving for work, it’s POURING rain outside. I hurry to jump in my car –split my pants all up and through the side of my thigh. Do I go back upstairs to change out of these ripped pants? Nope, no time. *heads to work with ripped pants* #happy #monday
Oan I hydro-planned in all that damn rain and cuz I need new tires.