Does Size Matter?

Alright, today’s topic is a sensitive one. I’m asking does size really matter… And before I get started, get your minds out of the gutter, ya nasties. I’m talking about body size/stature. J/k, I’m also talking about “joysticks” (we’ll use this word for the sake of making this post a little less raunchy).

In regards to desirable body size/stature, to each’s own. You have every right to have a preference and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m pretty curvy, so real lean men make me nervous. Let me tell you why. Because you guys, in all your I-am-man-hear-me-roar ways, like to pick chicks up. Especially us shorties, I’m only 5’2″. Now I’ll warn you, it might look light but it’s heavy. Dude will argue me down with general statements like “I’ll carry you like a baby, I’ll toss you over my shoulder, I’ll <insert another action that you will NOT be able to do>.”

I promise you, this thang is solid, you hear me? But nah, before I can finish telling you how you not bout that life, here comes dude trying to scoop me up. When I tell y’all I’m usually on the verge of laughing and crying when this happens, it’s a real struggle. Part of me wants to laugh because I told you so, now you’re grunting, leaning, taking deep breaths; but the other part of me wants to cry because I am so durn heavy. And all I can think is, now I’m airborne, you must commit and if you drop me that’s yo ass.

I don’t know what can kill the mood faster than you only making it half-way up the stairs carrying me and now I gotta walk the rest of the way. Oh wait, I do know what can kill the mood faster. Which brings me to point B, the joystick.

Short story, I decided to date this dude, one that I normally wouldn’t go for physically but he was a real nice dude. I thought, hey maybe it will give you better results to take an L in the looks department because he had everything else going for him, plus going for looks in the past hasn’t gotten me anything but a broken heart and extra mileage on my Honda.

Now don’t get me wrong, dude was real cute in the face, he was just short and stout. I’m short and stout. In my mind, we don’t belong together. I need someone tall to stretch my offspring out, but I digress. One day he’s showing me pictures of his exes (don’t ask why) and I’m thinking in my mind, dang these girls are actually cute… he must have a big joystick ^_^

He was mad confident about everything, even told me how many inches he had. So at this point me and him had been communicating for awhile, he was doing EVERYTHING right and I was quite curious about this monster he’d been bragging about. So one night, I decided, I was gone play with that joystick. Worst. Mistake. Ever.

I just remember being so mad. So so mad. I didn’t say anything because I actually cared about his feelings but never have I felt so deceived. Y’all have to understand me when I say there was no “joy” in his joystick. Image-wise, it was probably like looking at a carrot and 2 grapes. Yes, I’ll wait while you laugh hysterically.

Until that day I didn’t even know they made balls that small. I was more upset with him for misleading me than anything else. My man doesn’t have to have a monster, it’d be nice… real nice actually, but it’s not necessary. There isn’t a certain length/thickness either. HOWEVER, do not, I repeat, DO NOT hype yourself up when you know you cannot back it up. <–Moral of the story.

Good day.

I said good day! *storms away angrily*


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