Mixed Signals

I’m just gonna jump right into it, mixed signals are a <insert b word>. These signals are most commonly associated with women, but would you believe me if I told you I got them from a man? I see why you guys get so bent out of shape now, this ish is for the birds. Here’s what happened.

I was out one night with my girls, not looking for anything in particular, just wanted to have a good time. I would have been satisfied with flirting with a couple men, getting a few [free] drinks and going back home alone. No biggie. I was fresh out of a relationship so I durn sure wasn’t out looking for love, just living, loving life right? We get to the end of the night, and this is when it happens.

I meet said gentleman, we’ll call him “L” like LL Cool J, cuz he was smooth, tall, athletic build; a brown skinned beautiful man. We start rapping (yes I said rapping, that’s real ol’ school) and exchange numbers. I’m feeling him at this point because he hasn’t come off to me like a douche bag and seems sincere…

Over the next few days we’re talking and whatnot and he asks me out on a date, so of course I said yes. On this date we talk about various things but the most important thing to address for the sake of this post is that we both communicated that we weren’t looking for relationships. At most we could do a boo-ship. (Boo-ship: You and said person flirt, text, talk, hang out, maybe make out, etc. etc. without the commitment or expectations that accompany an actual relationship).

We’re both cool with this, even my relationship happy ass could get down with it. The problem came when L started treating our boo-ship like a relationship as he saw fit. He pushed us into a whatevership. (Whatevership: When you and said person are somewhere in between boo-ship and relationship, displaced emotions get involved, there are unclear boundaries, and out-of-place expectations). This gray area is bad. Real bad. Especially for me, because I need it to be one way or another so I can check myself as necessary (and yes I do check myself).

Men have a talent when it comes to getting a woman into a whatevership, if I were a man I’d do it too. It’s a space where you (a man most times) can get whatever you want from a woman because by this point she actually cares about you, but as soon as she starts talking like she has expectations you say “flag on the play, we not in a relationship, you can’t make those requests/ expect me to do those things”. Then the woman has to move back 10 yards because she doesn’t have those “girlfriend privileges” and she knows it. Damn you.

Need an example? Ok, let’s just say me and L spend every weekend together generally. And one weekend he says, “My homegirl is coming to town this weekend and she’s going to stay with me and we’re gonna be hanging out together most of the weekend.” Now. I may feel like flipping shit because 1.) WE usually spend the weekends together. 2.)Da fugg you mean she staying with you, there are plenty of hotels/ she ain’t go no female/other friends in town? 3.)What y’all doing all of the time that you can’t see me none of the time?

–Should I say anything about this situation? No. Should I be visibly upset about this situation. Nope. Why? Because that’s not my man and he can do whatever he likes.

Even though I shouldn’t get upset, why might I get upset? 1. Because as I said, L selectively acts like we’re in a relationship. i.e. Dates, sweet notes, every free minute spent together, introducing me to his friends, talking about me to family members, car rides together to work, sex, the toothbrush that’s not my toothbrush placed in my toothbrush holder that belongs to L. So now I’m doing girlfriend tasks (food, fuck, fun) without girlfriend privileges. No doubt that’s my fault for giving so much, but it’s my personality, my character and those things don’t typically change.

If this was supposed to just be a boo-ship, we need distance, space, boundaries. For Pete’s sake get your effing toothbrush out of my toothbrush holder witcha blocking ass! If I had male company and he went to use my bathroom he’s gonna see two toothbrushes, knowing I live alone and one is pink and the other blue (-_-).  Boos don’t get a place holder for toothbrushes, boyfriends do. And if you must leave it, stick that shit in the drawer or somewhere not visible. Don’t message me all day long, send one err now and again. Get your t-shirt out of my laundry basket. And find your own ride to work dammit. Distance. If those aren’t mixed signals, idk what is.

Signed he-did-that,

Ashley La’Shae

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